Reality

I was just reading Meredith's blog and she posted on a topic that has been weighing on my heart lately. I am going to piggy back off of her topic with some of my own thoughts....

I would like to think that I have been pretty transparent on this blog. Actually, I think I am more real here than I am in real life sometimes. I find it easier to share the ugly parts with people who I only sort of know. Yet, in truth, I think y'all probably know me best.

...............

For about a year I had a little reminder written in lipstick on my bedroom mirror. Every time I put on makeup, checked an outfit, or fluffed my hair this little note was staring back at me. Day after day I would read it aloud and repeat it over and over, hoping that it would sink into my heart and free me from my perfectionism.

"I am who I am."

It didn't help. I windexed it off.

Here's the thing, I am ugly. I am messy. I am loud, and controlling, and I do not have all my sh*t together. (And I cuss!) I struggle with anxiety and depression. I HATE gloomy weather. I do not read my bible every day. I do not shower every day. Sometimes I only wash my hair once a week! (Heaven forbid!) I am overweight. I think judgmental thoughts. I gossip. I lie, to myself mostly, but I do lie. I envy, I have unrighteous anger.

And sometimes, okay A LOT of times, I do all those things (and more) in one day!

But that's just me. It's who I am and I have no problem admitting the bad stuff.

A few days ago I was looking through some old photos. I came across a series of pictures of myself that I had not seen in a long time. I stared for a long time, looking at each photo thoroughly, and I realized something.

I am beautiful.

Why is it so hard to admit the good stuff?

...............

Lent is coming up and I've been thinking about what I am going to "give up". I can barely even type the words, but I think I am going to give up the Internet. Blogs, Facebook, Youtube, People.com, Craigslist, All Recipes (yikes!), etc. All of it. For 40 days.

I'm getting all sweaty just thinking about it.

But here's the truth- the internet is just one more hurdle in my struggle to admit the good stuff. It's hard to read other blogs and think that everyone else has their sh*t together when mine has just hit the fan. I can't help but compare myself to the rest of the good mommy bloggers out there.

And honestly, this thing just sucks up my time. It is a distraction from making the changes in my "real" life that I need to make. I want to live authentically. Not just blog it, but live it.

So, that's what I am going to do. I'm gonna throw myself at the Lords feet and walk out my life, authentically, and as naked as figuratively possible.

And when I come back, if I come back, maybe I'll blog about it. ;)

On Friendships and Being Shy

In my head I am really this outgoing, gregarious person. I make good conversation with witty remarks always on the tip of my tongue. I am selfless and encouraging and always smiling.

In reality I think I am more like a hermit. A quiet, wallflower is more accurate. (Except when I am with my family, then I more closely resemble those traits I mentioned above.) This shyness is something I really dislike about myself, honestly. I wish that I could make friends more easily. I wish that I wasn't so darn weary about getting myself out there and meeting other moms.

But, ugh, the thought of having to go through that whole "who are you, where have you been, what do you like" phase just makes me sick to my stomach.

I have been working really hard at some friendships lately. Not trying too hard, but working hard. (And yes, there is a difference between trying too hard and working hard at something.) I feel like I am beginning to see some changes happening. Not in the others I am spending time with, but in me. I feel like the more I focus on being in the moment the more myself I am able to be.

The me I want to be, anyways.

I am happy with many of my character traits. And I do realize that God made us all with a special uniqueness that makes us, us. But I also recognize that there are things in me that need to change. I cannot live my life without companionship. My husband is great and all, but I can only talk for so long about cooking and decorating before his eyes glaze over! :)

I will tell you one thing that I love about myself though-- I love that I am a loyal friend. My parents taught me a lot about being loyal and it is something that has always stuck with me. I will defend my friends to the end and stick by through thick and thin. I think it's one of my best features, if I do say so myself! :)

Heaven knows that we can stand to talk about the good things since I'm sure we all obsess over the bad way too much! :) So, let's all get a little egotistical today-- what's the best thing about you?? What do you love most about yourself?

Y'all

Just in case anyone was wondering, I may live in the North but I am a Southerner. Born and bred. Tried and true.

I had a small stint in So. Cal where I fell head over heels in love with the beach, but other than that, my Southern heritage remains in tact.

I now live in the Northeast, and I may occasionally say "wicked", though I hear that's becoming a national known slang word and not just a "Yankee" word. Also, I may root for the Red Sox and Patriots instead of the Rangers and Cowboys, but that's just because my husband does and I seek to honor him. (ha!) :)

All of this to say-- I not only type the word "y'all", I say it too. And I'm allowed. It's apart of my heritage.

You can take the girl out of Texas, but you cannot take the Texas out of the girl.

So there.

:)

The Winter Blues Arrive A Little Earlier Every Year

Um, okay, when did it turn cold? Because it's cold outside and my blood has not even begun to thicken for the impending winter. I am pretty much an ice cube already and it's only in the mid 50's. What am I going to do when it's -20 in a few months? (Yes, it does get that cold where I live. Sometimes it even stays that cold for days without end. Why do I live in such a place, you ask? Heck if I know. I ask myself that same question every day of the loooooong winter.)

Anyway, I know it is cold because the thermometer says it's cold and also because I had to bust out the socks. Y'all, I despise wearing socks.

Socks seriously cramp my flip flop style.

I have lived in the cold Northeast for going on 9 years now and I have yet to be correctly attired for the winter season. Some how I manage to just squeak by with a few enough necessities to make it through. A decent coat, some so-so boots and gloves.

I am not into winter sports, at all. (Though to be fair I should admit that the only winter sport I have tried was snowboarding. Unless of course, sledding counts, but something tells me it doesn't quite.) Therefore clothing of an adequate matter has not been too big a priority. I go from the house to the car, the car to (insert warm destination here).

But all that is about to change. You see, I have an extremely active toddler on my hands. Extremely active. And something tells me he is not going to be content with the house, car, car, warm place routine. Something, call it Mother's Intuition if you will, tells me that he is going to like the snow. And want to play in the snow. And go for walks in the snow. And build snow men and make snow angles and generally just roll around in the snow. Oh, and he will also probably want to eat the snow, which I am sure will taste better than all the sand he consumed while we were on our vacation.

Are you catching my drift (he he, drift, get it?) here?

Those things will all require me, cold hater, to spend time in the very atmosphere of which I loathe. Therefore adequate attire is now required. Ugh.

Sooooo, I need some help. Mostly in the boot department. Anyone got any cute, yet completely functional boot options for me?

I would like stylish, yet water proof and well insulated. Also, ease of on/off would be great. And no Uggs or "moon boots" please. Tried 'em, don't like 'em.

So, hit me with your best boot recommendation. Help make this winter bearable for a momma in need!

** As an added bonus, I will give away a little prize (Starbucks anyone?) to the commenter that suggests a pair of boots that fits all my requirements and results in a purchase. (Yep, I am that desperate!)**

Funky Hair, Fun Fair

First things first... I got my hair funktified this weekend. I always, ALWAYS, have hair cutters remorse for a few days after the cut, even if I just get a trim. This is a huge change for me so the remorse is a bit more intense, but I think it's starting to grow on me. (Get it, "grow" on me?!?! Ha! I am hilarious!)

Anyhoooo... here are a few pictures...

Not the greatest shots, but I think you can get the idea. I got it cut and had some sassy red highlights added. I wanted something less blah and I would say I got it! :)

Now... on to the fair. We took Jaron yesterday and had a blast! We went with Nanna and Papa (my folks) and Jaron was in awe of just about everything. It was also the night that the Jonas Brothers were in concert so the place was packed with screaming girls! We got a few chuckles in at the antics of the crazed fans.

Here are a few shots of our day at the fair...

Now we are off to enjoy a family Bar-B-Que. Gotta love 3 day weekends! :)

Today

Today has been one of those days. My heart is heavy. My eyes tired, my soul weary. I do not want to relive today. I would like for it to end quietly and fade into a distant memory. No tragedy has befallen me. No loss so great to bare.

But, it has been a hard day. A day that that has brought me to this night where sorrow overwhelms me. A day that has left me speechless in its own way. I sit here trying to formulate something coherent to share, to emote, to be honest in my words. I have come up with nothing new and nothing meaningful.

Rest assured, I am okay. I am more than okay, actually. I am simply being refined, purified.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:11 (read more here)

I am so thankful that I have a Father in Heaven who hears, and cares about, the quiet things I whisper in the dark of night. And He's mercies are new every morning.

On Friendship And Being Brave

Okay, confession time.... I am a shy person. A wall-flower extraordinaire. This is a slight contradiction with the rest of my personality seeing as how I am a total control freak and I love to talk. A lot. But it's the honest-to-goodness truth.

Hi my name is Casey and I am shy. (I am also a Starbucks addict, which is worse?!)

Being immersed in large groups of people makes my palms sweat, my ears clog and my vision get a bit unfocused. It's not that I am afraid of being around people, it is just that I am not good at small talk. I love to talk, yet small talk is hard for me.

Making friends has been difficult because of this. I have had people tell me that I appear stuck-up, or aloof, when in reality I am just terrified. I don't mean to seem indifferent. Sometimes I just have a hard time engaging.

Does anyone else have this problem, or is it just me?

I thought being a mom would help. In some ways it has been, as talking about kids is a good connecting point. But if I am honest with myself, beyond motherhood, it is hard to find common ground.

I have been self analyzing a lot lately. This can be a scary thing to do, but I have come to a few conclusions.

1) My self doubt projects to those around me. Either I doubt them or they doubt me.

2) My self doubt causes me to compare myself to others and then I doubt myself more. A vicious cycle emerges.

3) Regardless of what I want to call it, this shyness I have is based in fear. God is not the author of fear.

4) In order to embrace true friendship I have to get over myself. It can be hard to overcome fear and past hurts, but I have to get over it and move on.

So, I am challenging myself to do this. To get over myself. To leave the self doubt behind. To embrace people (myself included) for who they are. To love unconditionally, even if its awkward. I don't think it is going to be as easy to do as it is to type!

My name means "brave", and so I must be if I desire to have deep and meaningful friendships in my life.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Truth Of It All

When I "revamp'd" this blog, I purposed to find beauty in my life on a daily basis. To not allow myself to get bogged down by the day to day "stuff". Well, you know what folks? Sometimes it's hard. Especially when you realize how ugly human nature can be.

Yesterday I did not have much luck finding beauty in myself. (The big zit on my chin doesn't help matters.) I don't know what got into me, but I was nasty. Just down right ugly. I allowed myself to fall into the pit and wallow there a while.

Some days are simply more ugly than other days. That's just the truth of life. I am thankful that I am saved by Grace and Grace alone, because my "acts" yesterday definitely did not work in my favor.

But... today is a new day, a fresh start. I am choosing to let go of that which I cannot control, and focus on the One who controls it all. I am choosing to rejoice, even if I do not feel like it. I am choosing to grow, even when staying put would be more comfortable. I am choosing to delight in the Lord.

And today, I will gaze upon true beauty.

In Case The Man Who Scared The Living Daylights Out Of Me Is Reading This...

Old men (friend, and especially foe) on bicycles should refrain from riding up behind women who are out jogging. Though dusk is not dark, it is dark-ish and therefore your approach will most likely cause said jogger to be scared out of her mind. You could cause said jogger to pee her pants.

Just hypothetically speaking, of course.

Also, if said jogger is huffing and puffing and wheezing and turning blue she most likely cannot carry on a friendly chat. It is quite possible that this is her first time out running since before her 11 lb. baby was born 9 months ago and she probably needs every ounce of gumption focused on putting one foot in front of the other.

So, consider this your friendly warning, my bicycling friend.

That is all.

Thank you.

Um, Can We Say Overwhelmed?

Well, I certainly wasn't expecting the amount of traffic that doing this little giveaway has produced. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised since it is a popular thing. However, I can't help but wonder how many people bothered to look at the rest of my blog.

So, just for curiosity sake, if you are reading this post and you discovered this little blog of mine through the Bloggy Giveaway and you plan on coming back again, would you mind give me a shout in the comments?

Thanks, it would sure make a girl feel better.

(Gulp, what if NO one comments?!?!)

Finding The Way

I was watching Jaron the other day. He was struggling so hard to pull himself up on the ottoman. He is very proud of his new ability, yet he cannot summit this one, last Everest. After the third failed attempt, he just laid on the floor and kicked his feet in frustration.

Lately, I have found myself wanting to do the same thing. To just give up, lay down, and kick my feet in surrender.

Watching Jaron though, I realized that is just what I needed to do.

I have been perfectly okay with things the way they are. I am happy enough. Content, on most days. I think that's an okay place to be. Especially for a wife and new mom. I think that I am juggling it all quite well, thank you.

I mean, if I have to surrender, that is just going to mess up the whole system. It's all balancing well right now. Letting something go could cause it all to tumble. And I seriously do not have the energy to pick it all back up again.

I was getting used to feeling as though my insides were on the rinse cycle. I have a thousand things to say, and zero words with which to speak. I have a multitude of thoughts, and no time to process them.

The truth is, I have been very caught up in my self image lately. What with trying to lose all the baby weight, and get into some semblance of shape. But if I am honest, I have allowed it to get out of hand.

And if I am honest, I am not really content, or happy, or okay with the status quo. And, yes, I don't have energy to pick it all up again, but maybe I don't have to. Maybe I can just let it all go and that would be just fine.

It's not like the world is going to stop turning. Or the ocean waves stop crashing. My dishes might pile up a bit. And the laundry might not get done perfectly according to my little schedule. But does that really matter?

In the end, what really matters?

I guess maybe it is time to wave the white flag.

To surrender.

Everything.
All of it.
All of me.

The Joys Of Marriage

Ever had a disagreement with your spouse? An argument in which you were totally passionate about your cause? One where you KNEW you were right and any thought contrary to yours must be absolutely, without a doubt Wrong, with a capital W?

And then, somehow in the middle of all the talking, your spouse utters a phrase that knocks the breath right out of you?

Not a mean phrase, mind you. Not a vindictive phrase. Just a simple sentence, made in honesty sincerity, that cuts your feet right out from under you. I'm talking about the phrase that makes you realize how oh-so-Wrong YOU were?

Uh, huh. That one.

Ouch. It hurts.

Pride tumbles in ruins. You sit there, mouth agape and you have no comeback because you are/were so totally WRONG. And you must swallow your smugness and humbly ask for forgiveness.

Yep, that is why I am awake at 3 am. Because I have a big mouth and now I need to make good use of it to say sorry.

I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
Will you forgive me?

Simple, but dang if it ain't hard for me to admit.

A Little Bit Lost

the babe is in bed; sweet dreams swirling through his minds eye. my love is walking the dog on this hot, sweaty night; anxious for some dream time himself. and i am sitting, awake as the mid-day sun, with jumbled things floating in my brain.

...will i be the mom my boy needs me to be?
...am i being the wife my husband needs me to be?
...why am i unable to open myself up to new friendships?
...why can't the baby weight be as easy to take off as it was to put on?

it is truly amazing how much having a child changes ones life. i have a hard time remembering what it was like before baby j came along. (i do remember getting lots more sleep, though i think the sleep i get now is better. it's deeper and more appreciated. no more insomnia for me.)

take for instance this post. i sat down to write my thoughts out. to spend some time doing something for myself while he sleeps. and yet, here i am writing about him.

i do feel a little lost sometimes. is that okay to admit? i feel guilty just typing that, but i must be honest. i am not sure who i am supposed to be anymore... what i want to be. i don't want to lose all aspects of myself during this journey as a parent. but is that right to think? am i supposed to just be a wife and mom now? should that be all i focus on?

is it selfish to want a bit more than that?

you know what i really want- i LONG to be vibrant. what a great word- vibrant. i would love to be described as an alive and vibrant person. how can i get there?

how can i be a vibrant person?

will finding those lost parts of me help me in the wife/momma areas of my life? and for that matter, why do they have to be seperate from each other?

guess i have a ways to go to figure this all out. right now i just feel slightly lost and pretty un-vibrant and pretty un-pretty.

but that fresh baby spit up look is in this fall. right? ;)

I Am From

I originally posted this many months ago; however with the baby coming soon I have been thinking a lot about where I am from, and where I am going. Very retrospective these days, I am.

Anyway, when I saw that Mary at Owlhaven was hosting a contest, I figured now was a good time to repost this little piece.

If you have never tried writing something like this, I encourage you to do so. It was a fun time of remembering my heritage. If you have written one, leave me a comment with a link to it. I would love to check it out!

Oh, and hop on over here to check out where others are “from”.


I Am From...
I am from endless games of hop stock, Peter Pan Peanut Butter and Smuckers Grape Jelly sandwiches, and real mud pies made after a hard rain. I am from the stubbed toes of long, hot summers spent barefoot, "shortcut" cut-off shorts worn year after year and hikes with dad that became wild bear hunts and crazy adventures.

I am from Old Orchard Lane where neighbors were friends and friends were neighbors. I am from the front porch swing where I traveled to far away places through the pages of my books, and from the Pepto-Bismol pink walls in my girly bedroom which was my private sanctuary. I am from watermelon seed spitting contests, hide and seek after dark, and games of Around the World battled out on the basketball court of our driveway.

I am from Oklahoma and Texas with their flattened plains stretching far as the eye can see. I am from Crape-Myrtle's and Easter Lilies grown half-hazard in our yard and from the Indian Paint Brushes dotting the field behind our house with their presence.

I am from farmers and teachers and musicians and thinkers and dreamers and kind, loving people. I am from rough hands and smooth hearts. I am from a family of faith that has roots five generations back. I am from Marvin and Pat, Evelyn and Bob, and Mom and Daddy-o.

I am from stories of old and new. I am from dad scaring the cows with his trombone, and from mom's lazy days spent with "The Old Woman with the Cane". I am from climbing a top my dad's piano as a babe and I am from playing dress up with mom's high heels and old jewelry.

I am from notes and lyrics and prayers and scriptures that have been prayed, sung and spoken over me before I was ever a twinkle in my daddy's eye or a seed in my mom's heart. I am from dedication and loyalty and trust and forgiveness and perseverance and love. I am from music created and crafted in my heart and for my life.

2007 Already?

I do not make New Years Resolutions very often. I would rather not make a list of things that will never get checked off. However, last year I realized that ONE resolution was a must. It was the all to common determination to lose weight. I had finally come to the point of surrender- "if I don't do this now, I will never do it."

In January of 2006 I kicked off the weight loss plan of eating smaller portions, of better foods, throughout the day. I also started with baby steps of working out- something I loath doing. By July I had lost around 35 lbs. with hopes to lose another 15 or so.

It was about then that we found out I was pregnant. Weight loss plan... bye-bye.

So, now here it is 2007 and I can say- WITHOUT GUILT- that I weigh about the same that I did at this time last year.

The cool thing for me is that I did accomplish my goal. I lost weight in 2006. And, I realized that I can make the same New Years Resolution this year and see it happen. Granted I will just get bigger over the next few months, but come April I expect to see a sudden and significant drop in my overall size. ;)

On a serious note: Paul exhorts us in Ephesians- "make the most of every opportunity". I stumbled upon these 10 questions that I think can help set a good frame of mind for making the most of 2007.

1. What's one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God?
2. What's the most humanly impossible thing you will ask God to do this year?
3. What's the single most important thing you could do to improve the quality of your family life this year?
4. In which spiritual discipline do you most want to make progress this year, and what will you do about it?
5. What is the single biggest time-waster in your life, and what will you do about it this year?
6. What is the most helpful new way you could strengthen your church?
7. For whose salvation will you pray most fervently this year?
8. What's the most important way you will, by God's grace, try to make this year different from last year?
9. What one thing could you do to improve your prayer life this year?
10. What single thing that you plan to do this year will matter most in ten years? In eternity?
    

These questions are not meant to lay a quilt trip. For me, they were simply a good reminder of what really matters in life.

Here's to making the most of every opportunity!

Relevant- To Be Or Not To Be

I think I am sick of that word- RELEVANT. I don't want to be relevant anymore- I want to be offensive. I want to say Merry Christmas and God Bless You and I don't want to tone down my relationship with God so as not to alienate others.

I'm not talking offensive in terms of being mean spirited or inappropriate or argumentative. I mean offensive like what Jeremiah talks about in chapter 6 verse 10 "The word of the LORD is offensive to them; they find no pleasure in it."

(Does that make sense or am I going to get a bunch of emails about how wrong I am?!?) :)

I am a light- and light chases away the darkness, right?
I am called to be holy- and holiness cannot compromise.
So how do I be a light - drawing others to HIM while not compromising and settling for being simply relevant?

To me, relevant can be the same as compromise. I do what the world is doing so that my "message" is more palpable.

But shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't the I be the one setting the standards? Shouldn't the I (and Christians in general) be the one creating the trends and cutting edge things? Shouldn't those that are deep in their relationship with God be the ones with the new ideas and creativity flowing out the whazoo?

Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Wouldn't be the first time.

I guess I just find myself at a cross roads.

I am about to become a mom. J and I are responsible to the well being and spiritual up brining of this precious life. I don't want this kid to grow up thinking that middle ground is okay and if he/she were watching my life right now, that's the message they would get.

Not. Acceptable.

Passion, depth, desire, honesty, repentance, holiness, love. These are the things that I want to represent me.

I am not prefect and I don't think perfection is attainable, but it should be what I am trying to get to. My walk with God should be propelling me towards perfection. I want to be like the Shulammite woman in Song of Solomon- dark, but lovely in her lovers eyes.

He has stolen away my heart. Captured my life for eternity.

I don't want to just be relevant anymore. I want to be holy and set apart. Jesus was holy, set apart and yet still people were drawn to him. He was relevant without compromise. I pray that I can be that way. That I can show my children what it means to walk upright while still causing others to be drawn to Christ.

Wow, what a task.

Sorry to ramble. I just reread this post and hope that it makes sense. I don't know that it will, but I don't want to rewrite it. I am just pouring out my thoughts and sometimes my brain is scattered.

I hope that as you read this you understand where I am coming from. Not a place of judgment, but one of hunger. Hunger for the Lord. Hunger for depth and revelation.

To gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to dwell in His temple all the days of my life. ONE THING is needed and this is what I seek.

Doing Battle

I felt it again this morning. It has been a while but the heaviness was unmistakable. Iron clad with no promise of release. Fear took only a few seconds to grip a firm hold of my heart. It fed on my doubt. It knew my weaknesses. It found me and held my mind captive. The pressure it brought with it manifested in physical pain and stress, tension, worry, discontentment.

How did it sneak up on my like that? It roars like a lion once it has found me, yet its approach is always silent.

I remembered a song from my childhood- one we sung in church. The words found themselves on my lips spontaneously, "No weapon formed against me shall prosper. All those who rise up against me shall fall. I will not fear what the devil may bring me; I am a child of God."

My new mantra- sung over and over again as I waited for the panic to subside.

And the panic did subside as I did battle over the ugliness that was warring against my spirit. The promise of release was found. Because there is a promise. There is a Word that I can stand upon, that I can trust.

The fragile life growing inside me feeds my desire to fight. Before I might have laid down and given in. Today I refused. I did battle and I will do battle again tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that. I will not allow my spirit to be tormented by this thing anymore.

So take note, thing- and you deserve no more recognition than that- I am waging a war against your presence in my life. I am driving the stake in the ground. And I claim victory. Today. Right now. Because the blood of Jesus conquers all and I have His blood covering me. I have His promise- and His promise sure beats the hell out of your lies.

Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
Construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
and all your walls with precious stones.
All your children will have God for their teacher-
what a mentor for your children!
You'll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
far from any trouble- nothing to fear!
Far from terror- it won't even come close!
If anyone attacks you, don't for a moment suppose that I sent them,
And if any should attack, nothing will come of it.
I create the blacksmith who fires up his forge
and makes a weapon designed to kill.
I also create the destroyer-
But no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.
Any accuser who takes you to court will be dismissed as a liar.
This is what God's servants can expect.
I'll see to it that everything works out for the best."
This is God's Decree.

Isaiah 54:11-17 (The Message)

i am from...

I've seen this self-portrait poem popping up on several different blogs I peruse. I was intrigued by the idea and so began one of my own a while back. I decided to post it because it is good to remember where you're from. If you are interested in doing one of your own here are some other examples (Life Nut, From Under the Laundry Pile, and Owlhaven) and this is the general template I used for my own.


I Am From...
I am from endless games of hop stock, Peter Pan Peanut Butter and Smuckers Grape Jelly sandwiches, and real mud pies made after a hard rain. I am from the stubbed toes of long, hot summers spent barefoot, "shortcut" cut-off shorts worn year after year and hikes with dad that became wild bear hunts and crazy adventures.

I am from Old Orchard Lane where neighbors were friends and friends were neighbors. I am from the front porch swing where I traveled to far away places through the pages of my books, and from the Pepto-Bismol pink walls in my girly bedroom which was my private sanctuary. I am from watermelon seed spitting contests, hide and seek after dark, and games of Around the World battled out on the basketball court of our driveway.

I am from Oklahoma and Texas with their flattened plains stretching far as the eye can see. I am from Crape-Myrtle's and Easter Lilies grown half-hazard in our yard and from the Indian Paint Brushes dotting the field behind our house with their presence.

I am from farmers and teachers and musicians and thinkers and dreamers and kind, loving people. I am from rough hands and smooth hearts. I am from a family of faith that has roots five generations back. I am from Marvin and Pat, Evelyn and Bob, and Mom and Daddy-o.

I am from stories of old and new. I am from dad scaring the cows with his trombone, and from mom's lazy days spent with "The Old Woman with the Cane". I am from climbing a top my dad's piano as a babe and I am from playing dress up with mom's high heels and old jewelry.

I am from notes and lyrics and prayers and scriptures that have been prayed, sung and spoken over me before I was ever a twinkle in my daddy's eye or a seed in my mom's heart. I am from dedication and loyalty and trust and forgiveness and perseverance and love. I am from music created and crafted in my heart and for my life.

sick as a dog

sick, sick, sick. i hate being sick. body aches. can't breathe. pounding headache. ugg. i think it's the flu.

my only comfort is these goodies... they are heaven.
and my sweet husband... he deserves a medal for taking care of me when i'm sick. poor guy.

Working Through the Craziness

Preface: I feel a preface is necessary for this post as I am sharing some very personal struggles I am going through. Please know that I am moving ever forward in my walk with God and am learning all the more to trust in Him. I am not seeking advice or a diagnosis with this post. Insight, encouragement and prayers are, as always, more than welcome.

As posted here recently (in a vague sort of way), I have been struggling and grappling with some key issues in my faith journey; primarily anxiety and failure. While I know these issues are producing sin in my life they have proved difficult to surmount. Not because I don't want to, but because I am not sure what the root of these issues are just yet. [Rest assured I am not trying to do this all on my own. I have laid it at the feet of my Precious Savior and I have the support of my gracious husband, loving parents, and a wise counselor.]

A lot of my thoughts recently have been consumed with daunting questions such as; "What is my purpose on this earth?", "Why am I uncomfortable in my own skin?", and the ever popular "Will I ever be satisfied with my life?" These questions are a huge cause of the ever present anxiety. And while I'm not alone in my struggles, I have felt very lonely and wonder why.

I know the enemy is counting on my doubts to dig this rut deeper. My instinct is to curl up in bed and wait until the feelings pass, but I know there is something more to unveil inside me. I know I have something to offer my husband, my family, my friends... my Savior. And that means facing the feelings; the pain, the frustration, the shame, the guilt, the anxiety, the fear, the failure.

For Christmas my mother-in-law, Marion, gave me the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I've only read through the first 3 chapters and already it's having a huge impact on me. It makes sense. It speaks to my spirit. It challenges my "box" and the gods (note the little 'g') that I hide there and that often get put before the true Lover of My Soul. It reminds me that it's okay to be vulnerable, to relinquish control. It is unearthing all the hard layers and years of gunk that have covered up my femininity. It is the Holy Spirit speaking to the very heart of the issues that I have not faced for years. It is my Merciful Savior reminding me what a beautiful woman I am. It is my Father God showing me the wonder He created me for.

Sometimes it helps to just remember that He thinks I am beautiful just as I am.