Captivating, Chapter 3

I am currently reading and reviewing the book Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. Each Monday morning I am posting my thoughts on a chapter. This week is chapter three...

Haunted by a Question

This chapter proposes that we are not what we are supposed to be (created to be) and are keenly aware of our own shortcomings (pg 46). The Eldredge’s use the fall of Adam and Eve, and the subsequent curse, as the jumping off point. They suggest that we have been convinced that God is holding out on us, as Eve was so convinced by the serpent in Eden.

Chapter 3 talks of 2 categories of women:

1. The Dominating Woman

“She needs no one. She is in charge- ‘on top of things constantly.’ She is a woman who know hot to get what she wants.” (pg 51)

“If she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart’s longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control.” (pg 52)

“Controlling women are those of us who don’t trust anyone else to drive our cars. Or help in the kitchen. Or speak at our retreats or our meetings. Or carry something for us.” (pg 53)

2. The Desolate Woman

“She is naive, lost, bereft of any sense of self.” (pg 53)

“Desolate woman are ruled by the aching abyss within them… They are consumed by a hunger for relationship.” (pg 54)

Regardless of which category we might fall into, our “question” remains unanswered, and we allow ourselves indulgences to try to fill the void. Be it food, daydreaming, gossip, unhealthy relationships, whatever- we turn to other sources instead of God. Trying to fill “the ache of our hearts”. All the while trying to find the answer to our questions, “Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want so see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?” (pg 59)


My Thoughts on this Chapter:
So, yeah… WOW. I know, without a doubt, what category I fall into. What about you? Is it obvious to you where you fall?

I think a lot of things really jumped out at me, but there was one thing in this chapter that really changed my perspective on how to love my husband. With women needing to know if they are lovely, men ask a different question, “Do I have what it takes?” If I can purpose to answer that question for my husband on a daily basis I am showing him love. By choosing to let go [of control] in many situations I can show my husband that indeed has what it takes.

And here’s the big thing, as I show him that I believe he is worthy, he begins to believe it himself. And as he begins to believe in his worth, he shows me I am lovely. See how that works? It’s cyclical. Yes, ultimately our self worth should be found in Christ alone however, the relationship between husband and wife is a picture of Christ love for us. (Just read the book of Song of Solomon.)

I know that is really less about me and more about my husband… but it is what stood out to me. I have been thinking of nothing else but this lately. It really was a huge revelation for me.

The workbook, as always, was a challenge. I again close with some questions taken from there…

• With what do you tend to indulge your heart?

• Are you aware of loneliness deep within your heart?

• Are you aware of the ways in which you hide, trying not to be “seen”?

• Are you aware of your own beauty?

• Do you like being vulnerable? Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else?
  

Previous Posts on Captivating
Introduction
Chapter 1- The Heart of a Woman
Chapter 2- What Eve Alone Can Tell

Captivating, Chapter 2

I am currently reading and reviewing the book Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. Each Monday morning I am posting my thoughts on a chapter. This week is chapter two...

What Eve Alone Can Tell

Our society (especially in Christian circles) often gets caught up in questions regarding a woman's "role". The Eldredge's present that perhaps it would be more helpful to ask, "What is a woman- what is her design?" and "Why did God place woman in our midst?"

Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

This chapter uses that verse to draw some parallels on the Character of God and the creation of woman. They use the main themes talked about in Chapter 1 as a guide...

1.God is relational to the core/God has a heart for romance:

"The vast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be the most important thing we ever learn about God- that he yearns for relationship with us. 'Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God.' (John 17:3). The whole story of the Bible is a love story between God and his people. He yearns for us. He cares. He has a tender heart."
(pg.28)

2. God longs to share adventures with us:

"Call it the Human Mission- to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice- the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve... All that human beings were intended to do here on earth- all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture- we were intended to do together."
(pg.31)

In verse 18, chapter 2 of Genesis God calls Eve a "help meet". The Hebrew for that phrase is ezer kenegdo, which has proved difficult to translate, says Hebrew scholar Robert Alter. His translation for the phrase is "sustainer beside him", causing the verse to look like this:

"It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him a [sustainer beside him]."

The word ezer is used "only 20 other places in the Old Testament. Every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to "come through for you desperately" (pg 31). Most contexts used are life and death situations when God is your only hope, or help. (See Deut. 33:26-29, Psalms 121:1-2, and Psalms 20:1-2 for examples).

The word kenegdo means alongside, or a counterpart.

3. God has a beauty that is captivating and powerfully redemptive:
Why does beauty matter? Because it is powerful. Beauty draws us to God.

• Beauty Speaks

• Beauty Invites

• Beauty Nourishes

• Beauty Comforts

• Beauty Inspires

• Beauty is Transcendent

My Thoughts on this Chapter:
Sometimes I find it hard to think of myself as beautiful (you would agree if you saw me first thing in the morning!) This chapter really challenged me to see myself in a new way. To see my value as a woman; something beyond looks (or lack of), and something beyond my good works (or not so good works). I feel like this chapter left me with a lot to ponder. While I believe the truth of what it says, it's hard to make my heart agree.

Once again the Guided Journal proved thought provoking and very helpful while processing what I had just read. I close with a few of those questions...

• Have you ever thought of your struggles and longings as pointing to something great you are designed to do?

• How do you define yourself? If you were to introduce yourself, what would you say?

• Have you ever been comforted by beauty?

• When has an experience of beauty pierced you with longing?

• What if this really is true about you- you are a captivating woman? Let your heart go there for a moment; what does it bring?

Previous Posts on Captivating
Introduction
Chapter 1- The Heart of a Woman

Captivating, Chapter 1

I am currently reading and reviewing the book Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. Each Monday morning I am posting my thoughts on a chapter. This week is chapter one...

The Heart of a Woman

This chapter was a little difficult for me to get through. To be honest, I was not really looking forward to working through any issues this book might bring up. I found myself starting and stopping a lot until I came to this paragraph...

"I am not enough and too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough… But too emotional, too needy, too opinionated… The result is Shame, the universal companion of woman. It haunts us…” (pg. 7)

How true that is for me! Do you know what a huge sigh of relief I gave in finding that someone else had put into words the crazy feelings I have been having? This passage alone hooked me on this book. I realized that I needed to take a hard look at what my idea of being a woman was. I needed to tweak my thoughts about true beauty.

This chapter also serves as an introduction for the main theme of the book; the 3 things most women long for in their heart of hearts. Here they are, with a quote from each section that captured my attention;

To be romanced:
The book quotes a line from the movie The Last of the Mohican's, “I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far- I will find you.”

My heart resonated with this so deeply. It was as if my “mail” was being read.

To play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure.
“There is something fierce in the heart of a woman. Simply insult her children, her man, or her best friend and you’ll get a taste of it. A woman is a warrior too. But she is meant to be a warrior in a uniquely feminine way.” (pg. 11)

I loved this. I am not a “sit back and watch” kind of girl. The idea of being dainty and soft is foreign to me. I love that the warrior side of woman is acknowledged in such a balanced way. Warrior, yet feminine. Perfect!

To unveil beauty.
On page 16 this sums it all up, “In spite of all the pain and distress that beauty has caused us as women, the desire remains… A desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are.”

That’s what I long for. This hit home.


After reading the chapter (I made it through unscathed) I turned to the “Guided Journal” where I realized I wasn’t going to get away so easily. The authors asked some really tough questions. The kind of questions that made my mind wander down dark paths full of cobwebs and spooky shadows. Guess it’s time to turn on the lights and clean house.

In closing, I will leave you with a few of those questions to ponder yourself… and feel free to share any insight or questions they might bring up.

• What expectations have been laid upon you, as a woman? What do you feel the pressure to be?
• What have you been taught that a mature, godly woman should look like?
• Do you feel like you know what it means to be a true woman? Do you feel like you are?
• Who in your life is beautiful to you? Why?
  

Previous Posts on Captivating
Introduction

Captivating

A year or so ago I read through the book, Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. For some reason or other I never finished the book, or the chapter reviews I was writing for another blog I had. Recently, I picked up the book again and I am just about to complete it.

I feel that this book, and more specifically it's guided journal, have transformed my thought life regarding beauty and self worth.

The past few months have been tough for me in all areas regarding my looks, weight, beauty, personality... you get the picture. I am not one to obsess about myself. I am not one to be particularly concerned about what others think of me. And yet lately these things have consumed me as I have allowed my self worth to be determined by what others say and think of me. I realized I was being foolish and that is when I pulled this book from the shelf once again.

As with any "self help" book on the market, I did not agree 100% with all that was said. And there were several things that took some time, and work, and outside dialogue in order for me to settle the issues within myself. However, I have found that the Lord really used the words and ideas in this book to encourage and uplift me.

If you are interested in reading Captivating I highly recommend picking up the Guided Journal also. For me, it is what made the biggest impact. Not because someone, or something, was telling me how to think; but because as I wrote out my thoughts it became so apparent how twisted they were. I do feel I must warn you, the questions asked are not easy. I have found myself skipping over some for fear of what they will drudge up!

Look for my summary/review of Chapter 1, The Heart of a Woman, next Monday morning.