Monday, March 17, 2008

On Friendship And Being Brave

Okay, confession time.... I am a shy person. A wall-flower extraordinaire. This is a slight contradiction with the rest of my personality seeing as how I am a total control freak and I love to talk. A lot. But it's the honest-to-goodness truth.

Hi my name is Casey and I am shy. (I am also a Starbucks addict, which is worse?!)

Being immersed in large groups of people makes my palms sweat, my ears clog and my vision get a bit unfocused. It's not that I am afraid of being around people, it is just that I am not good at small talk. I love to talk, yet small talk is hard for me.

Making friends has been difficult because of this. I have had people tell me that I appear stuck-up, or aloof, when in reality I am just terrified. I don't mean to seem indifferent. Sometimes I just have a hard time engaging.

Does anyone else have this problem, or is it just me?

I thought being a mom would help. In some ways it has been, as talking about kids is a good connecting point. But if I am honest with myself, beyond motherhood, it is hard to find common ground.

I have been self analyzing a lot lately. This can be a scary thing to do, but I have come to a few conclusions.

1) My self doubt projects to those around me. Either I doubt them or they doubt me.

2) My self doubt causes me to compare myself to others and then I doubt myself more. A vicious cycle emerges.

3) Regardless of what I want to call it, this shyness I have is based in fear. God is not the author of fear.

4) In order to embrace true friendship I have to get over myself. It can be hard to overcome fear and past hurts, but I have to get over it and move on.

So, I am challenging myself to do this. To get over myself. To leave the self doubt behind. To embrace people (myself included) for who they are. To love unconditionally, even if its awkward. I don't think it is going to be as easy to do as it is to type!

My name means "brave", and so I must be if I desire to have deep and meaningful friendships in my life.