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Empty Vessel

So, I am less than a week away from giving up the internet for 40 days. Ugh! In the interest of full disclosure-- I am dreading it! This week I've been paying attention to when I log on to the internet and, well, let's just say it's staggering how much I rely on the World Wide Web.

** Need a recipe? Just jump on to Allrecipes.com and problem solved.

** Weird, unexplainable stomach cramp? Why, WebMD.com has the answer!

** Has the title of a book you read in 5th grade slipped your mind? Good thing Amazon.com knows which one it is.

** Looking for the latest theory on your favorite TV show? Well, take your pick.

Um, yeah, I need a break.

............

I want things to be different in my life and I feel as though I have lost a certain intimacy I once had with Him. That is what this season is all about for me. Not just a fast, which feels so… oh, I don’t know… obligatory. Rather I want this to be an offering. An act of worship. An empty vessel. (Yes, I know that’s what a fast is, but it’s all about how the wording plays out in my head.)

Please know that I am not telling you about this to make myself look good to you. I have mentioned it for 3 reason’s; 1) I want you to know where I’ve gone when I disappear for a while; 2) Maybe, maybe, I will inspire someone else in my journey; 3) Accountability.

I know that several have asked me to journal during this time and I am still thinking about it. Sunday's are not counted in the 40 days of fasting, they are seen as a celebratory time. So, I might post an update or two on a Sunday. I'll wait and see how it feels.

Either way, I will journal as I go, and when the time is over I will share with you what I can. (As a side note-- I will still be checking/sending email as that was not a part of what I am "offering" up. I can check it without logging on and email is a vital source of communication in our household.)

Is anyone else out there making an offering for Lent?

(Oh by the way, Lent starts next Wednesday, Ash Wednesday, and goes until Easter.)

Reality

I was just reading Meredith's blog and she posted on a topic that has been weighing on my heart lately. I am going to piggy back off of her topic with some of my own thoughts....

I would like to think that I have been pretty transparent on this blog. Actually, I think I am more real here than I am in real life sometimes. I find it easier to share the ugly parts with people who I only sort of know. Yet, in truth, I think y'all probably know me best.

...............

For about a year I had a little reminder written in lipstick on my bedroom mirror. Every time I put on makeup, checked an outfit, or fluffed my hair this little note was staring back at me. Day after day I would read it aloud and repeat it over and over, hoping that it would sink into my heart and free me from my perfectionism.

"I am who I am."

It didn't help. I windexed it off.

Here's the thing, I am ugly. I am messy. I am loud, and controlling, and I do not have all my sh*t together. (And I cuss!) I struggle with anxiety and depression. I HATE gloomy weather. I do not read my bible every day. I do not shower every day. Sometimes I only wash my hair once a week! (Heaven forbid!) I am overweight. I think judgmental thoughts. I gossip. I lie, to myself mostly, but I do lie. I envy, I have unrighteous anger.

And sometimes, okay A LOT of times, I do all those things (and more) in one day!

But that's just me. It's who I am and I have no problem admitting the bad stuff.

A few days ago I was looking through some old photos. I came across a series of pictures of myself that I had not seen in a long time. I stared for a long time, looking at each photo thoroughly, and I realized something.

I am beautiful.

Why is it so hard to admit the good stuff?

...............

Lent is coming up and I've been thinking about what I am going to "give up". I can barely even type the words, but I think I am going to give up the Internet. Blogs, Facebook, Youtube, People.com, Craigslist, All Recipes (yikes!), etc. All of it. For 40 days.

I'm getting all sweaty just thinking about it.

But here's the truth- the internet is just one more hurdle in my struggle to admit the good stuff. It's hard to read other blogs and think that everyone else has their sh*t together when mine has just hit the fan. I can't help but compare myself to the rest of the good mommy bloggers out there.

And honestly, this thing just sucks up my time. It is a distraction from making the changes in my "real" life that I need to make. I want to live authentically. Not just blog it, but live it.

So, that's what I am going to do. I'm gonna throw myself at the Lords feet and walk out my life, authentically, and as naked as figuratively possible.

And when I come back, if I come back, maybe I'll blog about it. ;)

Randomness In All Its Glory

- Looking for a really tasty granola recipe. Anyone out there have a good one to pass on?

- I am so very very sick of the cold. I am really longing for summer.

- In September I will be able to add "Aunt" to my description list over there in my profile!!! I am really excited about this! (Trying to be a little covert in this announcement since the future mommy and daddy haven't blabbed it to the world yet. I am bursting with the news so I had to share somehow!!! ) (How'd I do with the covert thing? I always knew I would make a good spy. Just call me Sydney Bristow.)

- I can be really sarcastic and dry. (duh.)

- I say "really" too much and am trying to break myself of this habit. As you can tell by the previous random tidbits I am doing just dandy with this.

- Had to wipe the dogs arse yesterday after she pooped on Jaron's blocks. This is not in my job description and I am not getting paid enough to do such a vile thing.

- I have a post about shame that I am working on. Maybe someday I will actually get it published on here. My writing gears have slowed down lately and cranking out anything of substance has become near impossible.

- I need some good books to read. Anybody have some good suggestions? I especially love fiction and biographies/memoirs.