Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Finding The Way

I was watching Jaron the other day. He was struggling so hard to pull himself up on the ottoman. He is very proud of his new ability, yet he cannot summit this one, last Everest. After the third failed attempt, he just laid on the floor and kicked his feet in frustration.

Lately, I have found myself wanting to do the same thing. To just give up, lay down, and kick my feet in surrender.

Watching Jaron though, I realized that is just what I needed to do.

I have been perfectly okay with things the way they are. I am happy enough. Content, on most days. I think that's an okay place to be. Especially for a wife and new mom. I think that I am juggling it all quite well, thank you.

I mean, if I have to surrender, that is just going to mess up the whole system. It's all balancing well right now. Letting something go could cause it all to tumble. And I seriously do not have the energy to pick it all back up again.

I was getting used to feeling as though my insides were on the rinse cycle. I have a thousand things to say, and zero words with which to speak. I have a multitude of thoughts, and no time to process them.

The truth is, I have been very caught up in my self image lately. What with trying to lose all the baby weight, and get into some semblance of shape. But if I am honest, I have allowed it to get out of hand.

And if I am honest, I am not really content, or happy, or okay with the status quo. And, yes, I don't have energy to pick it all up again, but maybe I don't have to. Maybe I can just let it all go and that would be just fine.

It's not like the world is going to stop turning. Or the ocean waves stop crashing. My dishes might pile up a bit. And the laundry might not get done perfectly according to my little schedule. But does that really matter?

In the end, what really matters?

I guess maybe it is time to wave the white flag.

To surrender.

All of it.
All of me.