Friday, August 24, 2007

A Little Bit Lost

the babe is in bed; sweet dreams swirling through his minds eye. my love is walking the dog on this hot, sweaty night; anxious for some dream time himself. and i am sitting, awake as the mid-day sun, with jumbled things floating in my brain.

...will i be the mom my boy needs me to be? i being the wife my husband needs me to be?
...why am i unable to open myself up to new friendships?
...why can't the baby weight be as easy to take off as it was to put on?

it is truly amazing how much having a child changes ones life. i have a hard time remembering what it was like before baby j came along. (i do remember getting lots more sleep, though i think the sleep i get now is better. it's deeper and more appreciated. no more insomnia for me.)

take for instance this post. i sat down to write my thoughts out. to spend some time doing something for myself while he sleeps. and yet, here i am writing about him.

i do feel a little lost sometimes. is that okay to admit? i feel guilty just typing that, but i must be honest. i am not sure who i am supposed to be anymore... what i want to be. i don't want to lose all aspects of myself during this journey as a parent. but is that right to think? am i supposed to just be a wife and mom now? should that be all i focus on?

is it selfish to want a bit more than that?

you know what i really want- i LONG to be vibrant. what a great word- vibrant. i would love to be described as an alive and vibrant person. how can i get there?

how can i be a vibrant person?

will finding those lost parts of me help me in the wife/momma areas of my life? and for that matter, why do they have to be seperate from each other?

guess i have a ways to go to figure this all out. right now i just feel slightly lost and pretty un-vibrant and pretty un-pretty.

but that fresh baby spit up look is in this fall. right? ;)