Thursday, January 05, 2006

Working Through the Craziness

Preface: I feel a preface is necessary for this post as I am sharing some very personal struggles I am going through. Please know that I am moving ever forward in my walk with God and am learning all the more to trust in Him. I am not seeking advice or a diagnosis with this post. Insight, encouragement and prayers are, as always, more than welcome.

As posted here recently (in a vague sort of way), I have been struggling and grappling with some key issues in my faith journey; primarily anxiety and failure. While I know these issues are producing sin in my life they have proved difficult to surmount. Not because I don't want to, but because I am not sure what the root of these issues are just yet. [Rest assured I am not trying to do this all on my own. I have laid it at the feet of my Precious Savior and I have the support of my gracious husband, loving parents, and a wise counselor.]

A lot of my thoughts recently have been consumed with daunting questions such as; "What is my purpose on this earth?", "Why am I uncomfortable in my own skin?", and the ever popular "Will I ever be satisfied with my life?" These questions are a huge cause of the ever present anxiety. And while I'm not alone in my struggles, I have felt very lonely and wonder why.

I know the enemy is counting on my doubts to dig this rut deeper. My instinct is to curl up in bed and wait until the feelings pass, but I know there is something more to unveil inside me. I know I have something to offer my husband, my family, my friends... my Savior. And that means facing the feelings; the pain, the frustration, the shame, the guilt, the anxiety, the fear, the failure.

For Christmas my mother-in-law, Marion, gave me the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I've only read through the first 3 chapters and already it's having a huge impact on me. It makes sense. It speaks to my spirit. It challenges my "box" and the gods (note the little 'g') that I hide there and that often get put before the true Lover of My Soul. It reminds me that it's okay to be vulnerable, to relinquish control. It is unearthing all the hard layers and years of gunk that have covered up my femininity. It is the Holy Spirit speaking to the very heart of the issues that I have not faced for years. It is my Merciful Savior reminding me what a beautiful woman I am. It is my Father God showing me the wonder He created me for.

Sometimes it helps to just remember that He thinks I am beautiful just as I am.